Accepting "NO" as the answer

i love the new look Sir ;)
of the web page i mean of course.

But i do have one question... see if You can help... ;)
How does a girl learn to take no for an answer if she has hardly been told no all her life?

i have always been able to get my way somehow or another whether by hook or by crook so to say. (not stealing though don't mean that when i say crook :P )
but that is one of the hardest things i have had to learn... and i am learning just slowly and i find that continually try to find ways that i can change no to yes without seeming to. i want to be able to take no for an answer..

sighhh don't know if i can explain it that well... another one of those sleepy nites here lol
have a great day and i hope to talk to You soon ;)

mischief

As for taking no for an answer. You gave no specifics. But I can guess that the dynamic has to do with either one of two areas. Needs or desires. Non one likes to hear "No" when they lay a need or desire out for acceptance. In fact often this is the place where some of us rear up at authority.

In a true and real life Dominant / submissive relationship It is often the Dominant's role to interpret what is a need and what is a desire. He or she than has to weigh this against his own druthers or ability to respond.

If a Dominant tells you "no"... it should be to some degree in a subs heart to accept that answer as a method of pleasing and complying with their Dom. To move to wrangle a different response is tantamount to working to gain control. It doesn't much matter if the effort is obvious or more subtly manipulative.. the end result is in effect telling your Dom you are NOT really willing to submit on this issue.

Depending on the Dom's "style" this can evoke any thing from a severe response to what amounts to being ignored. This also can erode the trust that two people try to build when they enter into a D/s agreement.

So how can one mange and learn to accept "no" as an answer? Look in your heart. Stay centered on your dedication and original focus of submission to your Top. Is this "No" part and parcel of what you signed on for? For example... I might be someone's Dominant.. but if we never agreed to include Health care issues specifically... I might well destroy the relationship to demand she quit smoking or loose weight or some such. In other words if you did not seek my leadership in your submissive role for the issue in question.. it may be "out of bounds".

Now in a full slave role all bets are off. You DO need to comply with all that is asked. IF the trust has built to that level and you have given your all in this type of relationship you have already made a decision and you have already worked through issues of service, training and compliance. Often people try to jump the gun to slavery when they have not resolved or commanded these elements.

So you look in your submissive heart and see you really Do want to comply but still the "No" echoes in your head. What then?

Then it is time to write. Now I know each Dom works out his or her own method of communication, but the ability of a submissive to express feelings should never be suppressed.

In writing to your Dom and reaffirming your dedication while sharing the conflict of the "No" you are reaching out to communicate without challenging the Dom's response. Writing of your conflict also helps YOU identify if you are just reeling against the answer, bucking authority, or if you have some valid reasons your Dom has not considered. Nothing wrong with giving you Dom all he needs to make good decisions.

 

One other area to consider is the "permission to speak freely" zone. Some work with this idea. In a good frame of mind a Dominant will often agree to permit the submissive to "speak freely" Frankly, those in my service can tell by a single raised eyebrow if I am approachable or not in this manner. The permission is never really requested or granted/denied.. they just know. AND it is important for every submissive to either write or have regular permission to speak freely for a time. Self expression is a key to learning and growing. This is often where the agreement is reviewed.

So in a nutshell when faced with a "No";

Introspect and mediate first on your submission try to calm the instinct to challenge or manipulate authority. Remind yourself you chose to give to this person and here is a test of that commitment.

If the "No" seems to echo loud after all this, Write. Even if you don't share the writing, you will have focused your ideas and feelings so they are directly expressed and not manipulative.

Reevaluate your commitment. Are you being asked to submit in areas that were never understood or clear from the start. Remember submission is a gift granted to another. Not servitude demanded from a Top. You permit and give submission, and you can choose to rescind it.

I have one submissive who wants me to handle her money. I don't wish to handle her money so I work with her and train her to handle it herself. She has given me the issue and she must comply with the way I choose to work with it. A second submissive of mine can't imagine me ever giving her direction with regards to her finances and I have no interest in doing so, since she isn't self destructive with her funds. But the second submissive struggles with honesty in relationships. So the tenets for operation I use with one submissive are so different than what I might employ with another. ( Also interesting since they tend to want to compare amongst each other what I do with each).

Should either of them agree to serve in a slave role All elements of their life would be mine to manage if I so choose.

I hope these ramblings have helped you some. Look hard at WHY you have always had to work an answer into Yes. Is it a test? Is it about control? Is it about finding limits? Decide if you can even CATCH the behavior and if you wish to make changes to it. If you cannot you may be frustrating yourself and your partner in "trying" to be submissive when you cannot honestly give up control. This isn't a bad reflection on you it just might not be wise to play at one role when you might be well suited for another or none at all.

Let me know how it goes.